


Owen Jokes

by AwatereJones



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, Funny, Gen, Humor, Jokes, M/M, Multi, Other, Sarcasm, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26179924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: So this will be like Dad Jokes. Not sure how often I will update, depends on the jokes but every now and then Owen will excel himself in needling Ianto and I will share that moment of hilarity... for Owen (Mostly annoyance for Ianto). Like most 'brothers' Owen is the dork and Ianto the nerd. If you have a joke you would like Owen to share let me know... I luv my crumbly xx
Relationships: Gwen Cooper/Rhys Williams, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Owen Harper/Toshiko Sato
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	1. The Bug on the Windscreen

"You know, if we had turned left back there by the cows we could have…" Owen's voice petered out as a large bug slammed into the windscreen making him look up from the Tablet he was messing around with to get their GPS working. Ianto swore softly while employing the window washer and wipers with open malice. Owen turned to look behind them like it might somehow be seen careening along the road in freefall. Or bouncing or whatever.

They drove for a while in companionable silence apart from Owen's tapping on the tablet then Owen started to snigger, something that annoyed Ianto as per usual so he looked over and said softly "just say it for Godsake."

"OK …so have you heard the joke about the dildo?" Owen asked jigging in the seat and Ianto closed his eyed for a moment... only a moment… he was driving ya know.

"No Owen. I have not heard the joke about the dildo" Ianto sighed, wondering how the hell that had made the little beast think about a dildo in the first place.

"So …a family are driving along the motorway on a lovely afternoon. Home from church or some shit" Owen said, his hands flapping around as Ianto tried not to close his eyes for a second Hail Mary. He nodded like he was somewhat enthused. Best get this over with.

"Right. So, little Jimmy is in the back seat and…"

"Why is the child always called Jimmy?" Ianto asked suddenly cutting Owen off, "Always Jimmy."

"OK" Owen said slowly trying not to face palm, "Let's say…. Little Jack."

"Can we have a little Jack?"

"Well… I don't know mate. This is all a bit sudden and we've not really even been on a date so … anyway. Back to the joke. Right. So … like I said. Driving along on the motorway and in front of them is a truck loaded with stuff for the dump. Like… someone's house cleaned out or something yeah? So … driving along… and the truck hits a bump, the load shifts and a dildo flies off the back to splat on the windscreen of the family car behind it" Owen smacked his hands together and then roared with mirth. Ianto blinked as he wondered if that was the joke. You can't really tell with this nutta.

After a few more sniggers and chuckles, Owen continued "So … the mummy didn't want to damage her delicate little boy's morals so she said quickly 'Wow Daddy. That was a big nasty bug' and she hoped that would slide. The father made a noise of agreement, still gripping the wheel with horror at what he had seen."

Owen stopped for some more sniggering as Ianto gripped the steering in much the same fashion as the father must have when trying not to throttle the little boy.

"So…" Owen hiccupped "so … she thought that had worked until a little voice from the back seat says …says….says 'wow. I don't know how that bug can even fly with a dick that big!"

Now Owen couldn't talk, gasping for air as he slapped at himself with glee.

Ianto sighed softly as he said "Yes. Dicks can be hard to ignore."

Owen decided this was gonna be a good retrieval after all.


	2. A Shitty Day

Ianto exited the bathroom area with the plunger still in his gloved hand, the look of doom almost cloying in the Hub… as much as the smell of lingering sewerage. Owen had tried to look innocent but everyone knew (including Owen) that he had been the one to blame with the Kirlim he had biopsied with the wrong grating open in the autopsy bay, letting it all spill into the main line instead of the special containment tanks designed to keep things like that hidden for eternity.

Sort of like the vault in Ghostbusters. For stinks instead of spooks. Owen wondered if he could make Ianto feel better so he called out to him "Hey Ianto, I know what you found when you looked into the toilet!"

Ianto stopped walking to turn slowly, the fact his neck did not allow movement instead the entire body shifting at the heel should have been warning enough but Jack rising slowly from the crouched position over Gwen's workstation with a look of alarm did warn Toshiko who stopped typing to watch Owen get into deeper shit.

"Do ya know what it was you saw?" Owen asked "Same thing Spock did. The Captain's Log!"

"Ah shit" Jack said softly, pushing away from Gwen's workstation to try and defuse the glowering descent of doom

"Nah… actually I have to put my hand up and admit it was me. I got my wooden shoe stuck in the toilet" Owen said as he looked around the Hub, not reading the room "You know? I clogged it."

Silence.

Owen looked around with surprise then Myfanwy flew overhead, sensing the danger and wanting to see if it was the rat faced man again. This unfortunately reminded him of more stupidity "come on. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent."

"Owen!" Jack warned, almost to Ianto where he hoped to distract him.

"Why did Gwen sit on the toilet?" Owen said, still on a roll "To do her duty"

Ianto flinched. Visibly flinched at the comment and Jack groaned openly now as he knew the connection to Canary Warf (Yvonne and Lisa) had now been triggered and Owen was dead meat no matter what he tired to do now so he slowed and watched the decline of a Twat.

"Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? Because he was pissed off." Owen was snorting, sniggering and he turned to Toshiko "I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes."

Toshiko stared at him with her mouth open. Shock apparent.

"The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?" right? Got it? A poo?"

Owen started to roar with mirth, Ianto blinked as he looked over at Jack.

"You said you talked to him about this. You told me… assured me that these little breakouts were over. Tell me It's Alien interference. Maybe a little traveler? I can taser him to see?" Ianto spoke softly, almost as a lover would to another asking for some sexy time and Jack was taken with those vowels, the soft dreamy expression and it took a moment for the word 'Taser' to infiltrate his grin.

"Now, now Tiger!"

"You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?" Owen turned his attention to Jack now "European."

Ianto let his hand holding the plunger lower to his side as Owen corrected himself "First you Russian...then European...then Finnish"

"Owen … I am about to lose my shit!" Ianto snarled.

"What?" Owen said with surprise "Wait…. What?"

"Enough now. We all thought it funny, now get back to work" Jack said as sternly as he could.

Owen then looked at Ianto and his eyes narrowed, taking in the plunger and the bucket in his other hand, then he pointed at the mop bucket with undisguised glee.

"A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says…" Owen chortled, giggling as he tried to get his breath then ended the Joke with "he said... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Get it? The rollers!"

"Yeah, I got it" Ianto smiled back as he dropped his things and reached for his sidearm, the taser feeling so damned good in his hand, even as Jack straggled with him to let it go.

Felt damned good.

Got two good shots in!


	3. Animal jokes

Ianto stood looking at the rabbits in the tree with that weird fascination one has when on a really good drug kicks in. After all … white rabbits in a tree that seems to be weird flowers or fruit, it not something you come across a lot. Right?

Owen was also transfixed with the weird thing, "Is that real?"

"Some sort of Alien seed came thought the Rift I guess, way out here it seeded… rooted in and… grew. I think … I think this is … fruit?" Ianto canted his head as Owen reached out stroke one, then shiver "Not fur?"

"No. Feels sort of… rubbery."

"Huh" Ianto started taking photos for Jack.

"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?" Owen asked and Ianto froze with horror as Owen finished with "Because they're so good at it!"

"Owen!" Ianto warned, the phone pinging with a message from Jack of excitement telling Ianto they were a delicacy, bring some back before destroying the tree please.

"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!" Owen was starting to dig in as Ianto pulled out his phone to call Jack, mean while Owen thought of another one "Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" get it? A tank?"

"Jack? He's doing it again. I know we agreed that if he did then you would…"

"Why are fish so good at watching their weight?" Owen pulled a Rabbit Fruit off the tree "Because they have lots of scales."

"I know… but you are not here and I don't know if I can…"

"What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?" Owen seemed demanding now **"** The police had to comb the area."

Can you hear him?" Ianto was also demanding …with anger, "Can you fucking hear him? You promised Jack. You promised you were sorting this. I do not find this remotely…"

"Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesus." Oh god… I love that one" Owen sighed happily then his smile fed as Ianto held out the phone.

"Jack?" Owen said softly, ready to argue.

"Owen… that is enough" Toshiko's voice was full of anger "Get back here now!"

"But…"

"No! Get back here now and stop with the jokes or I will wipe ALL your games in the system!"

Owen whined as he stomped to the SUV with an arm full of Rabbit Fruit and waited for Ianto to finished destroying the tree then come back to drive home. On the way Ianto resisted the urge to put the window down to encourage Owen to poke his head out the window.

Clearly heading for the Dog House.


	4. Work jokes

Ianto was not in the mood for small talk, sitting on the table in the Autopsy Bay as Owen pottered about getting the things needed to stitch up his arm. It was his fault really, and he knew it was. The weevil in Janet's cell did look just like her. Hell … they all look alike and he hadn't warned Ianto that he had slipped the young male in there as Janet was in heat. With the dark corners one had hid and the other was in plain sight. Ianto had entered with her morning pumpkin unaware of the danger.

Owen knew Ianto was angry, so was Jack who stood apart at the top of the Autopsy Bay, looking over the railing like he wasn't that alarmed. The way his hands clenched on the railing betraying his true upset at seeing Ianto hurt.

Owen reached into his smock to get a pen to write a note on the pad and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaimed, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Ianto stared at him silently. Not the least amused. Owen sighed and leaned over his computer keyboard to type in Ianto's name, knowing there was an antibiotic he was allergic to. He asked Ianto "Hey …. What's Forrest Gump's password?"

Owen looked behind himself at the man whose frown was deepening to the point where it ws a wonder he could see through his brows. Owen grinned and said happily "1forrest1"

"Owen!" Ianto warned softly.

"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!" Owen said, now getting into the groove and Ianto groaned as Owen went into 'Tard Mode. "My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!"

"Owen!" Jack said from the top of the Autopsy Bay, seeing Ianto's hand move to his hip where the taser usually sat. Thank god it was up top or Owen would be dancing a merry jig to soothe the savage Welshman.

"If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday." Owen turned to grin at Ianto "I want to exchange it for another Friday."

"Awwww, come on. Tell me Ianto" Owen said as he leaned over to stitch, now sure the freezing was in "Did you hear about Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, who recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy."

Silence, Ianto blinking slowly as Jack started to snigger, and then said softly "So… we can call you Paddy now can we Owen?"

"OI!"

"Well … you think you do the most work … you cock things up and sleep with a lot of people's wives … and like that whiskey!" Jack reasoned. "I don't know about the percentage of the work though … maybe 90% of the gaming?"

Finally Ianto sniggered, low and soft but Owen caught it. "Oh. Right, you laugh at him, but not me?"

"That's just it Owen … he is laughing at you I think" Jack said as he calmly entered the Autopsy Bay to look at Ianto's arm. "Best quit while you are a half-wit."

Owen stepped back "Actually I can quit… I am done!"

Ianto turned with surprise, his annoyance in Owen masking the action beside him and he smiled at Owen, rising to let Jack help him into another shirt.

"Thank you Owen."

"Anytime Buddy."


	5. Elephants

The Fertofird was the largest they had ever had to deal with and really… Ianto was not into it. Not at all. It was early, dawn just coming over the rise as Jack arrived with the flatbed from their vehicle pool, backing it up so they would use the Hiab to lift the carcass onto the back.

It stank.

Ianto was covered in entrails, snot and something else he really didn't want to think about as he had been underneath it when Jack had finally got in the kill-shot as Owen screamed with fear. Owen was still jumpy, touching Ianto constantly as if to reassure himself as much as Ianto that he had survived relatively unscathed.

Thank god for the small divot in the ground. His hips were sore but he had survived the equivalent of a steam roller rumbling over top of him at great speed. And noise. And smell.

I'm sorry… but the smell is sooo hard to ignore here. It is rank!

Owen seed to calm as the carcass started to move and he frowned as he poked at it "Ya know… it sort of looks like an elephant if you chop it's trunk off and paint it green"

"Hmmm, actually… now that you mention it… yes. I suppose it rather does. Head is too small but… yes" Ianto nodded, totally done with the night and happy to let Owen focus on something other than himself. After all … this smell … ergh.

"What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?" Owen suddenly asked and Ianto blinked as the realization set in that it was Joke time on the Owen Show. Oh god. Really? Stink AND Owen Jokes? What had he done to deserve this! No, surely not. Please God no!

He stared at him silently hoping that by not responding he would get the hint. After a few beats Owen said "Its shadow."

Ianto blinked again as Owen let out a bark of laughter and called out to Jack, running to the cab of the truck to repeat the joke and to Ianto's horror he heard faint laughter.

Fuck.

Good one Jack. Now it would be game on.

"What did the elephant say to the naked man?" Owen roared as Jack leaned out the window to look down at him.

"What Owen?" Jack called back

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

Jack slapped the door as he roared with mirth, then pointed at Owen and said "Depends on the man there Owen."

Owen threw a clod of dirt at him then asked "Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?"

"Oh no" Ianto muttered to himself as he let himself settled into the knowledge that the stink was now of a vocal nature too.

"They kept dropping their trunks."

"OH… oh Owen!" Jack roared, leaning back to laugh uncontrollably, then slip out of the truck to land nimbly on his feet like a cat. Damn that man is suave. Ianto find himself smiling softly. Jack glanced at him and mistook the smile for Owen's humor, so decided to go one up. Jack was nothing if not competitive, especially when it came to Ianto.

Jack turned to Owen and said conversationally "You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?"

"ooooo, is that a trick one?" Owen asked, his hands on his hips "I don't remember that in the training videos. Ah… do you … pull on one rein so the head turns? Shit. No… the drop or the elephant….Something about the reins right?"

"Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round!" Ianto suddenly blurted and Jack pointed at him with a wide grin, then laughed some more as Owen repeated the answer to himself.

Then he got it.

The little twat laughed and sniggered all the way back to base, so tickled by a new joke.

It didn't matter to Ianto anymore.

This entire day stinks!


	6. the Christmas one

Christmas is coming" Owen sang as he skipped around the Hub throwing glitter over everything, his efforts to piss off the Tea Boy going full throttle. He could practically hear the intake of breath as Ianto tried to pretend it was nothing to be alarmed about.

Gwen was sitting at her desk ignoring him, thinking her own thoughts… of… whatever silly twats think about. Owen had no idea… she looked constipated to him anyway. Maybe that was it. Fill of shit. Owen sniggered to himself as he enjoyed the play on words that he was sure would amuse Jack as well.

"Owen… not the keyboards" Toshiko scolded laying her files over the keys so the glitter wafting about did not upset the system.

"What do snowmen have for breakfast?" Owen asked, glee evident as he leaned forward "Snowflakes!"

"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?" Jack yelled out across the Hub as he sorted through tat on a table "Frostbite!"

"Who delivers presents to cats?" Owen asked his hands on his hip now "Santa Paws!"

"Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star?" Jack stopped sorting to look over at Owen now, a game afoot as this man had read more than a lifetime's worth of Christmas cracker jokes "Beyon-sleigh!"

Owen choked with mirth, and then asked "What do you call buying a piano for the holidays?"

Jack considered then shook his head so Owen added "Christmas Chopin!"

"What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?" Gwen suddenly joined in "Santa going through a revolving door!"

"Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital?" Toshiko tried "Because he has private elf care!"

Owen stared at her then asked "What's a child's favourite king at Christmas? A stoc-king!"

"Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off!" Gwen rose to stand and look around with glee. She was stealing Owen's thunder and knew it.

"What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!" Owen said in a rush, unable to wait for the gap for someone to shrug.

"What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?" Jack was excited too "Nice gnawing you!"

"How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!" Gwen giggled, Rhys' annoying jokes now coming in handy.

"Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?" Jack asked, now stepping away from the table to get closer to the fun "Because they were two deer!

"What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!" Gwen chuckled.

"How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!" Owen roared at his own joke.

"What is Santa's favourite place to deliver presents?" Jack asked then answered with a gush "Idaho-ho-ho!"

"Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?" Toshiko stepped into the middle of the Hub, joining Owen and Jack "Because he had nobody to go with!"

"When is a boat just like snow?" Jack pointed a finger around then added "When it's adrift!"

"What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?" Toshiko asked "Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

Both men stared at her as Gwen sniggered, then cleared her throat and said "What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we'll go places!"

"Who do Santa's helpers call when they're ill?" Owen had another one, now giving Gwen a funny look "The National Elf Service!"

"Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!" Gwen yelled.

"Who is Santa's favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!" Owen yelled back.

"How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!" Now everyone stalled out as Toshiko's last one fell flat. Er… right.

"What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?" Jack started again "A Christmas Quacker!"

"Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?" Owen said as he looked a little naughty now "He was picking his nose!"

"Why was the turkey in the pop group?" Gwen was still at her workstation as she called out "Because he was the only one with drumsticks!"

"What did Adam say the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve!" … get it?" Toshiko asked "Eve?"

"What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?" Jack was on a roll now "He got 25 days!"

"Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!" Owen was laughing now, the image of a shark in a Santa hat to good to let go.

"What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?" Gwen called out another one "Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

"What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?" Owen turned to stare at her and she answered it "A Holly Davidson!"

"What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?" Jack looked from Owen to Gwen who seemed locked in a weird thing, then he turned to tell Toshiko instead "He gives them the sack!"

"What do monkeys sing at Christmas?" Owen asked with his eyes narrowing as he thought of something and Gwen answered him again "Jungle bells!"

"Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?" Owen suddenly said and Gwen seemed to stall out, looking at her computer screen with a deep frown before throwing her hands up.

"Because he had a low elf esteem!" Owen said, having moved to her workstation and he seized the screen, turning it to roar "I thought so. Cheat. Fucking cheat.. she's on my website!"

"It's not YOUR website!" Gwen retorted, "and you shouldn't leave a page open so another team member can click into your screen then!"

"What did the team say when Santa set fire to their charismas gifts due to the ungodly glitter all over his workspace?" A new voice asked calmly as Ianto stood in the doorway with his scarf still wrapped around his neck, the bags of food hanging from his hands and his eyes boring a hole into the little prick's back. Yeah. He knew who did this.

Owen turned slowly to face his arch nemesis with a soft grin "er… A ferbble exploded?"

Nope.

"God, Scrooge has entered the building" Owen muttered as he closed the bag of glitter and slipped it back into his pocket.

For later.

Maybe Ianto's car window was cracked open a little?

Hehehe.


End file.
